Transformational learning and A Love Story

One spring evening 3 years ago I was sitting on my couch in the home we were renting checking my email and saw a message from my husband Vlad, which read:

          Subject: Landmark Forum

“babe, this seminar was highly recommended to me and I would like to attend the one in DC next month.  I would have to be gone from Fri til Sun night.  It is very intense and I feel like I need it really bad.  I am struggling with my professional life like I can not believe.  I know I can be better in number of ways I just can not get over something.  I was told that this will help.

Do I have your permission to go?  we can discuss when I see you.  I just did not want to spring it on you.

Thank you, vlad”

Now, at this point in our lives we had just brought our second daughter, Liv into the world and we were both struggling with our own “stuff” individually. Our “stuff” had been spilling into our marriage and it became clear that many areas inside our relationship weren’t working.

See, we had a tremendous love for one another that was never our problem. Yet for some reason we just couldn’t get the true connection we both needed. We were stuck and found ourselves at a crossroads ready for change, but what was going to make the difference?!

Vlad took the Landmark Forum back in June 2012. He was gone for an entire weekend and a Tuesday evening. During his course he would call me to share things with me he was learning about himself and about being a better husband. I naturally began to FREAK OUT! I asked myself, “What is this?!”

When Vlad came home after the weekend he starting relating to me differently and it FREAKED ME OUT! Why did his sharing create an unnerving storm of panic inside me? To put it simply I was holding on to being “in control” and not willing to show any vulnerability to anyone especially my husband. So as you can imagine my mind was working overtime to “keep it together” and that’s putting it nicely.

The following month I took the Landmark Forum in Alexandria, Virginia. As each hour progressed I had many ah-ha moments without ever going up to the microphone. My greatest ah-ha moment was during the second day of the forum. The Forum leader began a conversation into how human beings have a way of “already, always listening.” As someone spoke at the microphone and received coaching from the instructor my mind was blown!! It was as if a million loud bells were ringing in my head. I got that my way of listening to my husband was through this way of “already, always listening.” I had no idea!

In an instant I realized that no matter what Vlad said to me I heard it through the listening of “he’s going to leave,” “I’m not good enough” or “I’m going to leave first, booya!” I discovered that before this moment of clear transformation- Vlad never had a chance with me because I was never really hearing him. Forget about letting him contribute to me emotionally, this guy wasn’t even on the same planet as me and truthfully…none of my relationships ever had a chance either…how could they?

Now fast forward to spring 2015: We’ve completed Landmark Worldwide’s Curriculum for Living and have created the relationship of our dreams- we are partners in a completely altered marriage. How has it changed?

                   -Our communication has transformed. No longer do we ask each other “What do you mean by that?” Giving something we say such significance and “meaning” that we can’t move past it no longer exists. Look, we are not perfect, but I will say that when something comes up in the space of our communication we now have the skills and awareness to move through it together with grace and unconditional love.

                   -Being present. To me, it can sound trendy to say “being present,” but the kind of action I am speaking of is about getting to a place where the “chatter” inside your head becomes quiet and you can truly be with what is. That to me is a big part of being connected. I can also say that because of this ongoing practice to be present that when I am with my daughters-I am really WITH my daughters and not lost in my “chatter.” Just being more skilled at noticing the constant ticker of thoughts that can easily run through my mind is powerful. Awareness is transformational in itself.

                   -Being able to express vulnerability. This is a daily practice for me because it is my greatest fear. I have a belief that some force in the universe or maybe G-d put Vlad and I together because we needed similar things. However, had to learn how create it within ourselves before we could give to each other. We are each other’s mirror for sure!

The impact that engaging in this type of transformational learning has given us is the freedom to of create the partnership we want and allowing it to contract and change in ways that fit who we are being each day because each day brings new opportunities and challenges. I am forever grateful for my husband, Vlad for inviting me to the Tuesday night evening of his Landmark Forum. It was that night when my life began to alter in ways I never imagined were possible.