Unexpected Gifts

For about 9 weeks I had been carrying an exciting secret that only my husband Vlad and 2 close friends knew…I was pregnant with our 3^rd baby!  I was anxiously waiting to reach the “safe” 12^th week marker to share the pregnancy with our families and our friends. 

However, almost 2 weeks ago I learned what I would be sharing with my family and some friends would not be joyous and exciting news…not one bit. Last Monday morning I was laying on a table in my doctor’s office looking up at the ultrasound monitor and felt each nerve in my body go numb. I had a miscarriage.  Just two weeks before this appointment I was in the same office looking at the same screen hearing a beating heart, but on this Monday morning…there was only silence. The silence filled my ears and it suddenly felt like a ton of bricks were dropped on my chest. My heart was hurting.

I was then amazed at the fluid way the technician handled getting me from one room to another. I thank her for that. While waiting in my doctor’s office I called my husband. Seconds before Vlad answered I wondered…what am I going to say? How do I say this? So when he picked up the call- I just said it. “There is no heart beat.” Silence again…and he replied by saying he was coming right over.

Vlad made it just in time to meet with my doctor (who had delivered both of our daughters) in her office. The best thing she said aside from all the “right things” was that, “Kristan, there was nothing you did wrong…unless you were out snorting coke.” I really want to thank her for that moment because it allowed me a second to pause and take a breath. Dark humor can do that for me sometimes…okay a lot of the time.

After the appointment I suggested that my husband return to work. My intention was to go home and eat lunch, vacuum…you know…keep myself so busy I had ZERO time to feel any sadness (an old habit of mine) and keep myself from being truly present to experience what this loss felt like for me.

By the time I got home Vlad called to say he was coming home anyway. The experiences that followed for me will forever change who I am as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and human being:

We decided to go have sushi for lunch. As we drove into the parking lot I quietly said aloud, “this is an interesting practice for me.” The practice I was speaking of was: I had an opportunity in this moment to be with Vlad and let the day continue to unfold without trying to control it, pretend that I was “fine” or that I needed to fill moments of silence with talk of reasons for why this happened.  What was even more amazing was my awareness that there was now an opening being created to give my husband the space to be with me and this loss in which ever way he needed.

Whoa! It might not appear like a lot on the surface, but deep down transformation was occurring and I was GETTING IT…it was real. Just being present to how I felt during our lunch and sharing with my husband in those moments. This might never have occurred if I hadn’t had a miscarriage or allowed my own thoughts to settle so that I was truly clear about what I needed. I had never really let myself need anything or anyone before this day.

You could say, “Wow, how sad it took a miscarriage for her to get connected with her husband.” Okay, I get that AND what I know is that during this experience of coping with losing a baby an opening was being created between my husband and I that goes beyond the generic “I love you, I love my marriage, I love my husband.” There is just something different now inside of me that relates to him differently and with a love I hadn’t experienced before.

As the days passed I continued to see beautiful moments unfold. Initially, I was reluctant to share what I was going through with my parents. I was especially nervous to share this news with my mom who had just gotten home from staying 3 weeks in the hospital after having brain surgery. How would my mom handle this? Am I doing the “right” thing by sharing this with her now? Worry, worry, worry… I had it in my mind that I wanted to protect my parents and to make this easier for them some how. However, a moment occurred for me again when I realized that this way of living just didn’t fit me anymore. This automatic way of being had disappeared and something inside me told me I that I didn't need to hold on to it any longer. This opening showed up when I just let my parents be my parents…by letting them contribute to me in whichever brought them connection with me also helped me to heal.

Each of us move through loss differently and in a way that serves our being. I know that I am moving through each day with my loss rather than fighting against it, which gives me a sense of peace. I am so grateful for the life that lived with me for 9 weeks and then vanished for it was this life that breathed a new way of being into my heart and soul.

For me, sharing my story with you fits perfectly with something Maya Angelou said, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”