Nobody
got ME dressed!!!
Early one Thursday
morning my 3 year old daughter Liv yelled this statement to me from across the
room in her most exacerbated voice ever! In this moment I instantly saw the
opportunity in front of me as a parent and I quickly added her statement to the
notes in my iphone. Let me back up and tell you why…
Generally speaking
here is how the morning flows in my household:
I go into each of
my daughter’s bedrooms and in my most gentle and loving voice I tell them it is
time to get up. Then I leave their rooms and start doing other things I need to
get finished before we leave the house. Then for a second time I go back and
remind the girls it’s time to get up. Once they are officially out of bed (sometimes
after several requests) I remind them to get dressed, brush their teeth, use
the toilet, make their bed, bring their socks downstairs, and the list goes on.
Oh, have you noticed we haven’t even gotten downstairs yet?!
Does this sound
familiar to you? All of the repetitive reminders and suggestions to get things
accomplished?
I had started
noticing that I was talking WAY TOO MUCH at
my children. Yes, I was using my loving tone (until the 3rd request
and then I started using my bear-like mom voice) and my reminders and requests
came from a place of wanting to care for them and make sure they were safe.
However, what was
I really offering them? At what point would my daughters take on responsibility
for their own lives? At what arbitrary year of age was I deciding “Okay, my
kids are ready for more responsibility” is it when they’re 8 years old, 12
years old or gasp…at 18 years of age?! As the late Whitney Huston used to say,
“Hell to the No!!”
So, a few days
later I told my girls that I would be giving them space in the morning. I
shared with them that I noticed I was talking too much and that I wasn’t clear
to what their true abilities were regarding our morning routine. My older
daughter Sloan said with a big smile, “So we get to do what ever we want?!!” My
reply to her was, “To a degree (pause)…yes. I want to see for myself how I can
best support you and your sister.”
Then my first morning
of “do nothing, say nothing” began!
That Thursday
morning I didn’t wake the girls up they woke up on their own about the usual
time I would go into their rooms. Sloan put on a pair of shorts, skirt and a
t-shirt and Liv remained in her pajamas. Inside I was freaking out that they
hadn’t brushed their teeth…ewww! Then they came down stairs and I lightly
helped them prepare breakfast. I told the girls we would be leaving for school
at 8:10 (with a visual clue on my oven and microwave clock) and off they went
to do their thing. Sloan was busying drawing and Liv was on the living room
couch looking at books. Then at 8:10 I announced we were leaving for school. At
that moment Liv began to have a melt down and yelled at me from the couch,
“Nobody got ME dressed!!!!!”
Bingo! I got it.
Even though Liv was completely falling apart she was giving me such an amazing
gift…a breakthrough in how I want to “parent” my children. Without feeding in
to her distressed she quickly got over her drama and then happily left for
school in her pajamas and light up sneakers without brushing her hair OR teeth.
By the way, I hate light up sneakers!
I must say that in
that moment of her crying out that no one had gotten her dressed, I was present
to all the ways I try to protect and care for my daughters. Without any
judgments about myself, how I parent, or my children, I noticed that I wasn’t
guiding them towards being self-reliant human beings. Instead I was
conditioning them to rely on my reminders, nags, and suggestions rather than providing
them with opportunities to make choices and take action for themselves!
My first morning
of “do nothing, say nothing” gave me useful information:
1. Things I need to teach my children
how to do:
-Take the cap off the tooth
paste
-Liv, make her bed
-Brush their hair
-Liv, take off her shirt
-pack their own lunches
-take dirty dishes to
counter/sink
2. There are
several things my daughters can do without me when I get out of their way:
-Taking the entire top off
the toothpaste and brushing their teeth.
-wash out the sink after
brushing their teeth
-Sloan, makes her bed
-Sloan gets herself dressed
-make part of breakfast
-set the table
-distribute their
multi-vitamins and probiotics
I think getting
out of their way is an important awareness because it will literally and
figuratively give them the space to create greater self-confidence and
responsibility for how things go in their
life.
The breakthrough I
saw for myself from this experience is an enlivened connection between my girls
and who I am being as their mom. I am excited to continue this practice of “do
nothing, say nothing” so that I can empower my daughters to discover for
themselves their own intentions and what actions they need to take to have the
most extraordinary lives! It’s amazing when we are open and listening we hear
such beautiful opportunities to shift our thinking and who we are being.
Liv's outfit and crazy hair
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